To Raise a Man

Being a single mom means many things. It means being up for every middle-of-the -night sickness, every kid heartbreak, and every broken arm alone. It means handling every disciplinary situation, every parent conference, and every teen cell phone bill yourself. That’s just the way it is and you accept that over time. Those things you learn to do as you go, but if you have sons, there is one task that is bigger than the rest. How do you raise a man? More importantly? How do you raise a man without a man by your side?

I'm not talking about the physical things like teaching them to pee standing up and how to throw a baseball, though those are important too! I'm talking about how to teach your boys to become real men...physically and emotionally strong, responsible, empathetic, Godly men. If you are very lucky, you will have good examples in their lives such as a Papaw or an Uncle, but even then the burden is still on you to teach, to lead, to set expectations. We can't set expectations and guidelines for all of these things the way a father could - by example - though of course we try our best to fill all the roles and be the best examples we can be. So what do we focus on? What should we teach our sons to lead them on the right path?

I recently asked my friends and family to tell me what they thought made a real man. I wasn't looking for nonsensical stuff like "Real Men don't cry, " "A Real Man can hold his liquor", or "Real Men never back down from a fight." Those things are fine and dandy if you are Clint Eastwood on the big screen, but they won't teach a boy how to grow up to make a difference in this world.

The following are the traits that were offered: 

"A real man does the right thing when no one is looking."
"A real man does not love a million women he loves 1 woman a million ways!"
"A real man knows how to make you smile with a look, few words, or simple touch and knows how to comfort you when you need to cry"
"A Real Man does what is good for the sake of doing good, not to show others what he has done. "

Upon further research, I decided on these traits as well:

A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences. A real man accepts responsibility for his actions and his words.
A real man knows the difference between what's important and what isn't.
A real man knows how to seek God.
A real man rations his words. He doesn't boast about things he doesn't know about or even the things he does.
A real man doesn't judge people harshly. He knows that race, religion, gender, and class are all just words and that all people are just like him… a soul with a heart and a mind of their own.
A real man knows that foul language and foul attitudes bring him down, and will never life anyone up.
A real man makes a promise, and he keeps it. If he can't keep a promise, he doesn't give his word.
A Real Man holds high ethical ideals without compromise. He doesn't do what is right because you expect him to, but because he knows it is right.
A Real Man is emotionally balanced. He should be able to laugh and cry as he dang well pleases.
A Real Man shares his feelings with those he cares for.
A Real Man has grace under pressure and does not panic in a crisis.
A Real Man knows that being a father has nothing to do with making a baby and everything with being there for that child every day of his life.
A Real Man is responsible for his actions and in-actions.
A Real Man honors and respects *ALL* women, be she Queen or harlot.
A Real Man is tolerant of dissenting opinion.
A Real Man is honest and straightforward.
A Real Man gives of his time and money to those in need.
A Real Man compromises when it doesn't matter and stands his ground when it does.
A Real Man gives his best in the all things he does.
A Real Man is mature enough to put himself third. (Jesus-others-self)
A Real Man is willing to die for what he believes in and the people he loves.


I have my list.. so now what? How do I communicate these things with my sons, and the boys who think they are my sons as well? There are, unfortunately, some things my boys will have to see in the men around them and pick up on their own. I can't show them how a man should treat a woman. Through very poor choices, they have seen how a man SHOULDN'T treat a woman but my hopes are that they see through their Papaw and family friends better examples than they have seen so far in their lives.

I can't show them how to throw a knuckler, how to punt a football, or how to put up a tent. I can take my list, and print it. I can put it on our special dream board wall so that they pass it every day. I can talk about these things every chance I get. I can hold myself to the high standards of being a woman worthy of the man described above. I can set an example that shows Godly ethics and morals, one that shows strength without muscles.

I can also learn how to throw a knuckler, punt a football, and put up a tent. I can learn these things, and others, with my boys. I may not be the father that they deserved but I can be the mother that they need, and the encouragement that they seek.

I can pray. I can pray every day for these boys as they become young men. I can pray for their hearts, their souls , their friends, and their future wives. I can pray for them, and more importantly, I can pray WITH THEM. 

I can bring people into their lives that will be those solid examples they need. I can show them the world through the eyes of God and teach them every thing that this single momma can learn.

A single mother cannot be all things to her children, and she cannot be all the things she wishes she can be. She is not super woman, the Proverbs 31 woman, or Ma Walton. Instead of focusing on what we can't do for our kids, I think it's high time we start focusing on what we can do.